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Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Scariest Movie Scene Ever

"Scariest Movie Ever" would've been cooler, but there are way too many movies that freak me out, so I'm just going to pick one scene and go with that.
The scariest movie scene ever!

Have you ever seen House on Haunted Hill? The 1999 version?
Most of the film was kind of goofy, none of the characters made any sense (even by horror movie standards), and by the time they get to the 'evil ghost flood' chase scene at the end, there's absolutely nothing scary about it.

But then you get shit like this:

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I'm Losing My Shit

Skyrim has become the anticipatory equivalent of inoperable cancer. I can't even play games these days without thinking about how much better the game would be if it were Skyrim.

If I had that helmet I'd wear it all day long, even to work, like some kind of psycho.

Will Skyrim live up to my expectations?

I'm positive that it will, because all I'm picturing, all I'm expecting, is an expansion to Oblivion with new towns and lots of snow, and that's more than good enough for me.

And if the game happens to be a million times more awesome than Oblivion then fuck yeah.

If I had the choice between playing Skyrim or never playing Skyrim and winning the lottery, I'm not entirely sure what I'd choose, but if I lose any more of my shit then Skyrim is going to win.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Scariest Anime Ever

Ghost Hound is the kind of nightmare a nightmare would have. It's Twin Peaks and meth and peyote and more meth all taking place on the other side of the universe. Ghost Hound still scares me. I've mostly recovered from Amnesia: The Dark Descent, but Ghost Hound still scares me.

Monday, October 24, 2011

The Scariest Story Ever

'Tis the season for rotting ghouls, rotting pumpkins, and rotting teeth.

I'm in the mood for scary shit, and the scariest story I've ever read (NOT the best piece of horror literature (Pet Semetary). There's a difference) is a short story I only discovered about six months ago, and just thinking about it still freaks me out. Fucking goosebumps.

Sunday, October 23, 2011


This wonderful image is courtesy of Lumberjack, a new XBLI game. I honestly can't look directly at this pic without cracking up.

How good is the game? I have no idea.
That is how much XBLI has wounded me. That is how much eating downloadable shit for the past year has damaged my faith in these games.
When I can look at a cartoon deer being butchered alive by two cheerful psychopaths and not immediately purchase whatever it's attached to, then you know that there's something wrong with me.

If you're going to make a bad game, please don't give it a fun art style or a nice title graphic. Just make it look like shit so I can gloss over your product and use those ten minutes to play something fun.

Friday, October 21, 2011

This is Fun

The monochromatic style, the perspective segues, the musical breakdown, it's all really cool stuff wrapped up with a good beat.
All music videos should be this overwhelming.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Michael Crichton's Timeline Transformed into a One-on-One Dialogue

"So I've got this time machine, only it's not really a time machine because instead of travelling through time you're sent to another universe that looks a whole lot like the past, because in the Multiverse, anything is possible. Have you ever seen Sliders?"

"Yeah. Fun show. The Multiverse machine sounds cool, though. There won't be any butterfly effect paradoxes or anything like that if you're just travelling to another universe instead of another time. That's cool."

"Oh, no. Actually, you can change the past. Earlier in the book there was some dude who traveled to the Multiverse version of the 1300's and left a message for all his historian pals to dig up later in this universe."

"How'd he do that?"

"How should I know? I only built the thing. Maybe it really is a time machine. By the way, there's no such thing as a paradox. That's total bullshit. They don't exist."

"I'm a little lost. I thought you were selling me on the idea of a Multiverse machine."

"Shut up for a second. I'm trying to explain paradoxes, which don't actually exist because it's really, really hard to do something that would cause a paradox. Like, how could you possibly kill your grandfather? Wouldn't that affect you morally? Like, wouldn't you bitch out before you could pull the trigger? And what if he had armed guards? And even if you did, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, so it doesn't really count as a paradox. That makes sense. By the way, I'm the smartest character in the novel. We established that very early in the book."

"Okay. How does it work? Do I stand right here?"

"Yeah. Perfect. Now we're going to scan your body with super-computers, collect your sub-atomic information in a bunch of JPEG files, and then we'll send your information through the Multiverse, just like a fax machine. Have you ever used a fax machine, before?"

"What year was this book written?"

"Recent enough to know better. Are you ready for the laser?"

"Wait. What laser?"

"The laser that's going to kill you, of course. Right down to the atom."

"How does that help me travel through time? Multiverse. Whatever."

"The laser is going to kill you because the Multiverse has these weird equivalent exchange rules that I'm never going to bother explaining. If we kill you here then the Multiverse will make a duplicate version of you in the universe we're contacting."

"I don't get it. What's with all the JPEG scanning? Aren't you going to send that data through the Multiverse and replicate me somewhere else?"

"We're going to fax the data, and yes, that's the idea."

"So why kill me?"

"I just told you that I wasn't going to explain how the Multiverse works. Now do you want to time travel or not?"

"But I wouldn't even be the one time travelling. It'd just be some JPEG version of myself, which I'm still confused about."

"Hey. Don't be a bitch. The fax doppelganger version of yourself will think he's you in every conceivable way. To any outside observer, you're exactly the same person."

"But I'm not an outside observer."

"No shit. Why do you think I only send other people into the time machine?"

"Okay. Hold on. Even if I did agree for you to kill me and fax me in JPEGs to another universe,  how would my doppelganger even get back? Is there a laser on the other side that's going to kill him, too?"

"Don't be stupid. He'll have this little wafer that he can click and instantly return back here, unharmed, whenever he feels like it. Okay, hold still and try not to piss your pants. Your doppelganger is going to be wearing those in a few minutes."

Sunday, October 16, 2011

XBLA is Actually Kind of Fun

XBLI is a lot like playing a slot machine.
Most of the time you're just performing a meaningless chore and throwing your life away, but you keep doing it because there's a tiny, tiny chance that you'll hit the jackpot and get to play something good.

But, for reasons I haven't really bothered to look into, XBLI's one-crap-game-uploaded-every-ten-minutes standard seems to have slipped and I haven't been able to download any garbage onto my 360's hard drive for almost a week.

I've been forced to start digging into the XBLA library.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Things About the Future My Younger Self Would NEVER Believe

"Sonic and Mario are in the same game."

"Malcolm's dad cooks meth and liquefies corpses with acid."

"My Little Pony is back, and it's main demographic is 20-30 year old men."

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


When I work in a grocery store, despite wearing an entirely different outfit from that of the store employees, customers ask me random questions every day.

I've been asked where the bread crumbs are hiding.
I've been asked if this coupon is still valid.
I've been asked (told) to go into the back and find more of whatever is missing from the shelves.
I've been asked if I found Jesus.

This stuff happens on a daily basis, and I've never given anyone a satisfactory answer to any of these questions. I never know where the bread crumbs are, nobody keeps track of the validity of random coupons, the product you're looking for isn't hiding in the back, and I don't discuss religion with strangers.

But do you want to know the weirdest question I've ever been asked?

Monday, October 10, 2011

What I Learned From Atom Zombie Smasher

If civilization ever happens to crumble under the weight of an undead apocalypse, video games have taught me that I will be more than capable of single-handedly murdering hordes of hollow-eyed cannibals, and I could probably do it all with little more than a baseball bat and a couple of snappy one-liners.

Video games have taught me this lesson so well that I'm convinced there have already been at least three zombie outbreaks in the last year, but we never heard about them because they were almost instantly obliterated by one or two local Left4Dead vets, so hard-wired to perform head-shots to zeds that they probably killed a hundred or so before the killing even became a conscious act.

So while games like Left4Dead taught me that I will transform into an unstoppable killing machine during a zombie invasion, Atom Zombie Smasher taught me that I should never be in command of anything during a zombie invasion.

I should never lead troops.
I should never direct a city-wide evacuation.
I should never be the one who decides who lives and who dies.

You would all die. The living dead would find you in your homes and devour you alive. It would be the most horrible thing ever and it would be entirely my fault because I don't have a fucking clue how to evacuate a city full of helpless, innocent people before all of their lives are snuffed out in unspeakable ways that would make burning to death look like a sleeping pill overdose.

Saturday, October 8, 2011


I don't like the breakout genre.
90% of the time you're just watching the damn ball do it's own thing. I don't like breakout games for the same reason that I don't like pinball games. There just isn't enough interactivity.

But to be fair, ball-paddle gameplay has never been given much love. Have you ever played a breakout game that felt polished? With lots of features and a story and really, really nice graphics?

Wizorb is the breakout game that all other breakout games want to be. It's probably the best thing XBLI has received in the last few months.

The music is pretty flat, though.
And my deep love for the Shining Force games might be coloring my opinion on Wizorb's aesthetics.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Maldita Castilla

Some dude decided to make his own Ghosts and Goblins, and although it's not a full game yet, he did a great job with the first level.

And the technical atmosphere is very professional. See that glare in the corner of the screenshot? That's not because this was a photo taken of a television screen. What you're seeing is a screen filter that was inserted to help immerse you in the gaming days of yore.

Of course, that's nothing compared to the authenticity of the music and sound effects. Anyone who's ever been in an '80s arcade is going to feel right at home playing this game.

I can't say the game is as hard as it's inspiration (at least on the first level). For starters, there's no red demon.

(This isn't Locomalito's only game. He's done a lot of other amazing shit, too. Treat yourself with some expertly crafted arcade culture!)

Saturday, October 1, 2011