Search Terms That Reach This Blog

I've been at it for a year now (Happy new year!), and I thought I'd share with you the most entertaining aspect of this blog: what people punch into a search engine that leads them here.

• why so much insest on hbo
• big throbbing cock
• monkey give hug
• 10 year daughter drawing disturbing pictures
• gimp suit
• bigfoot masturbating
• power sluts
• "his leather pants" (yes, exactly that, in quotes)

The most common search I get, though, scares the shit out of me; because more than Skyrim, more than dickbus, more than any other search term, I get people looking for 3d pedo.

• 3d pedo
• pedo 3d
• pedo
• pedo box
• 3dpedo

Somewhere earlier in the year I posted about the 3DS and made the grievous error of putting the words 3d and pedo together, and now pedophiles everywhere are convinced that my blog offers the latest in pedophilia technology.

Years ago, if you had asked me how many pedophiles are living in the entire United States, I would've said maybe a thousand out of three-hundred million or so people. Just the concept is so fucking bizarre that I could not comprehend a large body of adults, a fucking sub-culture, revolving around this shit.

And then I saw To Catch a Predator, and at first I thought they were making it all up. It took a few episodes to clear up my naivety, but when it finally clicked, dear god, there was a parade of dudes marching into that god-damned house. A parade of dudes! People are so fucked up it's unbelievable.

So, there you go.

I tried to post something cute, like how someone typed in 'bigfoot masturbating' and ended up here. And instead I ended up talking about the sexual exploitation of children.

Happy new year, pedophiles!

Just a Quick Tip

Do not put kiwis into a juicer. Somewhere in the middle of the juicing process, they turn into fruity jalapenos. Even the generous helpings of oranges and bananas I threw in couldn't hinder their sinister delivery. Treacherous.

Actually, I take that back. I coughed and felt sick after just a sip, but it still tasted crazy good.

Merry Christmas! Let's Talk About Vampires!

Vampires are great. What other fictitious monster has both poorly planned romance novels and nightmarish horror stories housed under the same name and concept? What other made-up creature has ever played such a strong role in popular culture?


A few years ago I finally saw Fright Night(1985), and right on the spot it became my favorite vampire flick of all time. I mean, holy crap, Marcy Darcy freaked me out. Defend CG all you want, but 80's make-up effects had their own kind of unnerving quality.


But oh my fucking god the Fright Night remake!

New favorite vampire movie. Right there.

Oh yeah.

Remakes are everywhere, and usually I can say with smug confidence that the original film they did in nineteen-eighty-whatever is better, but the new Fright Night is good stuff. Good, good stuff.

Colin Farrell as Jerry the vampire? Sure, whatever, or at least that's where my head was when I started the movie. The guy isn't a bad actor, but despite being in plenty of movies, I can't name one off the top of my head.
But he totally rocks this movie, and I think it's for the same reason that I don't find him that interesting in other roles: he's a very subdued actor. Colin Farrell does not deal in ham. He doesn't jump in front of the camera and shake you out of your seat. That's not his style. So when you give him the role of an otherworldly predator trying to blend into a suburb, he does it extremely well. And you can tell that he had all kinds of fun playing the role of a smug killing machine, which for most actors would mean throwing the, "I'm a super cool vampire!" crap right in your face, but Colin never goes there. Such a good villain.

The same goes for the rest of the cast. David Tennant was pretty-much born to play a burnt-out Vegas showman sitting around shirtless, trying to rearrange his leather pants so his crotch has some room to breathe. Whoever picked out the cast did a very good job.


Favorite scene in the movie: the beer scene.

I Have a Purse

Years ago, I bought this cooler/icebox/igloo thing. I was living in warmer climates, usually made a lunch for myself, and it was nice having something that would keep it edible until noon. It was a good purchase.

Years went by and I no longer used the cooler as a lunchbox. Instead of a meal I started stuffing other random items into it: chap-stick, an extra shirt, maybe a grocery item or two. It was so god-damned convenient. How could I resist? How could I know?

And now? I take it everywhere. Instead of leaving crap lying around I just haul it all over the place in my cooler. I'm more likely to forget my wallet than I am to forget this little blue guy.

So how about we open it up and take a look inside.
Let's do an inventory of my dark descent:

• 1 paperback: Christine by Stephen King
• 1 iPod, with earbud headphones
• 1 pair of wool gloves
• 1 expired insurance identification card (I should probably toss that)
• 1 pair of sunglasses
• 1 pair of prescription glasses in a Dolce&Gabanna case I randomly kleptoed years ago.
• 1 Christmas gift, which shall not be named
• 1 package of expired BJ's coupons
• 2 tubes of chapstick
• 1 multi-ink pen
• 1 sharpie
• 3 packages of Stevita sweetener
• 1 notebook
• 10 or so receipts
• And a bunch of other crap.

So there you go. All that's missing are the tampons.
I have a plastic purse.

Like it, sounds like weather channel music.

SouthshoreVice 

sounds like grocery store music

MSPaynt 

Sounds like something in a lobby or elevator :D

SuperEmoBros 

I would stay in the elevator and listen to this. :3

Ryanlauph 

warning: extreme smoothness approaching!

KalleBowo