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Friday, April 8, 2011

My 3D Pedo-Box

So it finally happened. I've unintentionally become a pedophile.

I blame the 3DS.

Check out my digital kiddie stable

Follow the jump to learn more about my downfall.

My day started out innocently enough.

The little Street Pass light on my 3DS was bright and glowing, which means that someone else with a 3DS passed by me recently. My 3DS hasn't moved from the charger today so it's definitely a passing neighbor.

This is very shocking because I don't live in downtown Tokyo. I live in rural America, with cows and chemicals in every direction. I am not surrounded by thousands of Japanese gamers. I'm not even sure if I have a gamer (singular) for a neighbor.

Although I guess I found one, and so far this is a fairly innocent story, but after I opened up my Mii Plaza (the program you use to view other Miis who have passed by), I got a little creeped out.

First off, you can leave a greeting message, so when you first meet up with a Mii they use their messages to greet each other. This gives you a very clear idea of the literacy level of whoever you've just met. Judging by the message I got, I feel pretty confident in saying that this was a young kid whose parents had just given him a 3DS for his birthday.

Like some leering creep in a dark alley, the 3DS then proceeded to tell me little details about my new friend. I learned about the kid's favorite games, whether he liked cats or dogs. His birthday (which was last month, by the way). Hell, if the Mii is accurate then I even know what he looks like.

I know my Mii is accurate because the 3DS can take a picture of you and build a Mii from your photo, which is what I did, producing a horrifying result. For some reason the tiny console's algorithms gave me narrow, little piggy eyes, a twisted, simple mouth; and an overall miasma of depravity. The little, built-in 3DS camera hadn't taken a picture of my face. It took a picture of my naked, depraved soul and reflected back at me a simplified caricature of my true mongoloid nature.


It was kind of funny, so I kept it as my default Mii.

But can you imagine the horror those parents must have felt when their precious child told them about the new friend he made and then he produces his 3DS and shows them my nightmarish, cartoonified visage? I doubt there's any chance they'll know beforehand that friend codes need to be exchanged before any real interaction can take place, and I'm positive they're entirely convinced that I've been sending their kid 3D pictures of my dick for the last eight hours (Yeah, the 3DS can actually take 3D pictures. Cool, huh?).

I imagine there's two parents with haunted looks in their eyes roaming around outside of my building. One is carrying a 3DS, looking for anyone who matches the description of the Mii, and the other is holding a bat.

I'm considering turning the Street Pass feature off before I end up on Megan's Law.

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