Merry Christmas! Let's Talk About Vampires!

Vampires are great. What other fictitious monster has both poorly planned romance novels and nightmarish horror stories housed under the same name and concept? What other made-up creature has ever played such a strong role in popular culture?


A few years ago I finally saw Fright Night(1985), and right on the spot it became my favorite vampire flick of all time. I mean, holy crap, Marcy Darcy freaked me out. Defend CG all you want, but 80's make-up effects had their own kind of unnerving quality.


But oh my fucking god the Fright Night remake!

New favorite vampire movie. Right there.

Oh yeah.

Remakes are everywhere, and usually I can say with smug confidence that the original film they did in nineteen-eighty-whatever is better, but the new Fright Night is good stuff. Good, good stuff.

Colin Farrell as Jerry the vampire? Sure, whatever, or at least that's where my head was when I started the movie. The guy isn't a bad actor, but despite being in plenty of movies, I can't name one off the top of my head.
But he totally rocks this movie, and I think it's for the same reason that I don't find him that interesting in other roles: he's a very subdued actor. Colin Farrell does not deal in ham. He doesn't jump in front of the camera and shake you out of your seat. That's not his style. So when you give him the role of an otherworldly predator trying to blend into a suburb, he does it extremely well. And you can tell that he had all kinds of fun playing the role of a smug killing machine, which for most actors would mean throwing the, "I'm a super cool vampire!" crap right in your face, but Colin never goes there. Such a good villain.

The same goes for the rest of the cast. David Tennant was pretty-much born to play a burnt-out Vegas showman sitting around shirtless, trying to rearrange his leather pants so his crotch has some room to breathe. Whoever picked out the cast did a very good job.


Favorite scene in the movie: the beer scene.

I Have a Purse

Years ago, I bought this cooler/icebox/igloo thing. I was living in warmer climates, usually made a lunch for myself, and it was nice having something that would keep it edible until noon. It was a good purchase.

Years went by and I no longer used the cooler as a lunchbox. Instead of a meal I started stuffing other random items into it: chap-stick, an extra shirt, maybe a grocery item or two. It was so god-damned convenient. How could I resist? How could I know?

And now? I take it everywhere. Instead of leaving crap lying around I just haul it all over the place in my cooler. I'm more likely to forget my wallet than I am to forget this little blue guy.

So how about we open it up and take a look inside.
Let's do an inventory of my dark descent:

• 1 paperback: Christine by Stephen King
• 1 iPod, with earbud headphones
• 1 pair of wool gloves
• 1 expired insurance identification card (I should probably toss that)
• 1 pair of sunglasses
• 1 pair of prescription glasses in a Dolce&Gabanna case I randomly kleptoed years ago.
• 1 Christmas gift, which shall not be named
• 1 package of expired BJ's coupons
• 2 tubes of chapstick
• 1 multi-ink pen
• 1 sharpie
• 3 packages of Stevita sweetener
• 1 notebook
• 10 or so receipts
• And a bunch of other crap.

So there you go. All that's missing are the tampons.
I have a plastic purse.

Like it, sounds like weather channel music.

SouthshoreVice 

sounds like grocery store music

MSPaynt 

Sounds like something in a lobby or elevator :D

SuperEmoBros 

I would stay in the elevator and listen to this. :3

Ryanlauph 

warning: extreme smoothness approaching!

KalleBowo 

Kweh?

This song is straight from the game itself, not a companion soundtrack or anything like that. It's for some kind of red chocobo boss fight, or something. I don't think it could be any sillier.

My relationship with the Final Fantasy games has been strained for years, now, but my love for their music has never swayed, and judging by this song, it never will.

Youtube comments after the jump, because I love them.

I'm Just Outside of Riften,

And I'm about to talk to the guard at the north gate when I hear this roar echo through the mountains. I look up, and way up above the city I see this dragon riding a thermal. Probably fifty feet from head to tail. Breathes fire. Mean as shit. And he's not even hunting. He's just showing off his wingspan and practicing his roar.

He's reminding everyone who really is in control of Skyrim, and it isn't Ulfric or the Empire.

"You bought this game because of meeee...."

So I casually lift up a hand, stretch out my digits, and out comes raw, magical energy like I've got an arcane firehose attached to my palm. You can't stand anywhere near it. You can't even look directly at it. Ask Lydia when she's not walking into trees. That bitch is completely blind.

The dragon flash-fries on the spot. He is dead. Dead, dead, dead. Dead before what's left of him ever hits the ground.

DEAD.

Now...
The only part I don't get about Skyrim--What I really don't get--Is why the hell, when I turn back to the guard who witnessed the whole thing, who just saw a dragon pop like a mosquito in a bug zapper, why does he think it's a good idea to go right ahead and attempt to shake me down for a few septims?

And why the fuck, when I tell the cocky bastard to get bent, do I fail my intimidate check? I told the guy, "Don't mess with me." and do you know what he did?

He laughed in my face.

I just stared at him as the ashes of a winged god fell down around us.

And that's the lesson here: crazy always wins, because I was outright terrified of this nutjob. You want a few septims? Sure. Go ahead. Just let me get into your dirty town so I can pawn off my garbage. Lydia, come on. Follow my voice.