So I Got Into a Fistfight With the Pope...

You're a heretic just for reading this

Assassin's Creed 2 takes place in Italy during the Renaissance and follows the ten-year journey of Ezio as he seeks vengeance against the organization who murdered his father and brothers. Cool idea for a plot, right?

So why am I punching the Pope in the face?

Here's the set-up:

The game is nearing its end and Ezio has discovered that the ring-leader, the final target, is the Pope. Not missing a beat Ezio (you, the player) charges into the Vatican, murdering about a thousand God-fearing guardsmen along the way before you get to pounce on the Papal.

But he's a sneaky religious figure-head and our heroic sociopath loses his element of surprise.

Look out, Ezio!

Ezio is now exposed, caught out in the open against an overweight, middle-aged man. What can he possibly do against those odds?

He throws his weapons away, of course! All of them! He throws them all away!

At this point in the game I felt a disconnect from what Ezio wanted to do and what I wanted to do. Ultimately, though, Ezio gets to decide how I play this game so I just had to deal with the situation. Why a veteran super-assassin would feel it necessary to throw away all of his advantages just so he could have an even fight with a man who's obviously physically inferior is beyond me.

"I can kick your fat ass all the way to Greece!" yells Ezio.
"Bring it!" says the Pope.

Obviously, the Pope never had a chance. Ezio wins the fight, he goes in for the kill...

Ezio looks down at the man responsible for ruining his life. The driving force behind his ten-year killing spree. He stares into the eyes of the monster and says, "You know what? I think I'll let you live."

"Wait a second. You're serious? I can go?"

Just a little background: the game makes it very clear that the Pope is a mass-murderer and a child molester (actually, all of your targets are super-evil. How convenient for Ezio that he never has to second-guess his moral compass). So without even taking into account Ezio's personal vendetta against this guy he really deserves some brutal, old world justice.

Holy shitballs, Ezio. Are you really going to let this bastard walk? Why did you become an assassin in the first place? When an assassin doesn't kill his target it isn't called a plot twist. It's incompetence.

I'm sure your dead father is very proud of you, Ezio. Next game, how about you sit in the back seat and let me drive, okay?

(By the way. The Pope was fighting Ezio instead of escaping because he wanted to enter a secret Space Temple hidden under the Vatican. And at one point in the game, Adam and Eve performed parkour to escape Sun aliens. Did I just spoil the entire game's story for you or did I just save you from the Ark of the Covenant? Think about it.)



Fun game, though.