Something Not Skyrim

I was digging through my e-mail archives, looking for something that someone sent me years ago, when I came across this e-mail written by a total douche. It was really self-obsessed, and arrogant, and not funny, and all I could think was, "Who the hell is this asshole?"

Turns out the search I ran was digging through my Sent folder and the e-mail was from me.

And just like that, all my hostility kinda pooped out into confusion.

Granted, it was pretty neat to experience a genuine moment where I got to step outside of my own ego and take a good look at myself, but on the other hand, what a dick. I always assumed that if I ran into myself in a sci-fi sort of circumstance then we'd get along pretty god-damned well, but now I don't know what to think.

Fuck it. Let's go back to Skyrim.

DRAAAAGOOOOON!!!!

Winterhold: Defense Against the Dark Arts 303

Lesson 1: Dual-casting is For WIZARDS

Being a wizard, you'll never produce the DPS that a warrior can generate, but the one thing you do have going in your favor is dual casting. One spell. Both hands. And that dual-cast perk on the Destruction skill tree. You'll need that.

Just dual-cast a cheap, single-shot spell, like Firebolt, and you're almost guaranteed to stun your enemy, which is just about the best defensive measure a wizard can have, but remember to wait until your opponent is completely finished being stunned before dual-casting another spell, or it won't reset the stun.

Lesson 2: Never Pull Out Your Biggest Gun

This troll is just asking for a firestorm to char him faster than dragon's breath, but control your urges, Wizard, and reserve your power!

Whatever your biggest, most destructive spell is, you should never use it. Always use the second-strongest spell in your arsenal and dole out your magicka responsibly.

Of course, while this is logical advice, I've never been too good about following it, myself.

So...

Lesson 2.5: Never Pull Out Your Biggest Gun, Unless it's Awesome

A lightning bolt is a beautiful thing, but oh my god is it expensive.

Lesson 3: Stun and Cook

This pic doesn't have anything to do with casting a wall spell on a stunned enemy, but I just thought it looked cool.

The wall spells are super cheap to cast, and if you can get your opponent to stand on top of one they'll suffer an incredible amount of damage. A well-timed, dual-cast Firebolt works perfectly to keep the badguy on top of your damage trap. The Paralyze spell from Alteration is even better.

Winterhold: Defense Against the Dark Arts 202

Tolfdir does a reasonable job of teaching novice wizards the ropes, but I thought I'd add a few things.

Lesson 1: DO NOT launch a spell into this.

Unless you're this guy, just hold back the magic and save your energy

You'd be amazed how many times an ally can jump in front of a fireball at the last possible moment. It never, ever goes well.
Either wait until someone personally goes after you or use a spell that chooses it's own targets, like grand heal.
The same goes for when you're travelling with a companion. Take the time to reposition yourself and perform clean shots. Otherwise, just use restoration magic. It's safer than a lightning bolt.

Lesson 2: Restoration is More Efficient than Destruction

If you ask me if I'm a priest one more time, Lydia, the next spell I send in your direction is going to cook you from the inside out.

This is assuming you have a buddy/summon or two to employ healing spells on. A master healer can survive just about anything without losing any magicka at all, whereas a master of destruction magic can still run out of power really fast without doing much damage at all.
I hate to say it, but in Skyrim, destruction magic has a real curve on how useful it can be.

Lesson 3: Wards Are Not Shields

This is what a functioning ward looks like.
If it's transparent, it isn't working.

• Wards drain your magicka faster than you can imagine.
• Wards are only good for stopping spells and dragon's breath. Arrows and axes go right through.
• Wards take about two seconds to charge up before they're capable of stopping anything.
• Never hold up a ward in the middle of a magical duel unless you're charging the enemy or running for cover. You'll lose all the magicka that you should be using to cast fireballs with.
• To make wards work in your favor, wait for the enemy to create their own ward, then summon a spell into your hand but don't release it. The enemy wizard will be too damn stupid to save their magicka and waste it all holding up a ward against a spell you never even threw.

Lesson 4: Always Hit Hard at the End of a Wizard Duel

Don't blow your magicka wad right at the beginning. Most wizards know restorative magic, although they never pull it out until they're really low on health. Don't give your enemy enough time to heal.

Take your time with these sorts of fights, maintain a healthy reserve, wait until your enemy's health bar is at least below 25%, and then unleash your true power.

And remember that when you're holding a prepared spell, you can't regenerate magicka.

Vigilance

"Only five-hundred septims, and the dog is yours." The man told me. The big, shit-eating grin never left his face.

I looked down at the scrawny mutt and tried to figure out how any animal could cost five-hundred septims. Better yet, why the hell was I considering spending my mead money on a travelling companion? In all my adventures, except for that one time with that stupid priest, I've never traveled with anyone in Skyrim, and now I'm going to pay money for a dog to follow me around? I'm a wizard, and wizards don't need backup.

The second thing that was upsetting me was the dog's name:

Vigilance.

Who names a dog Vigilance?

I'll tell you who: Some stuck-up dog breeder who forced this poor animal to learn tricks and crap since he was a pup and never once let the little guy just be a piss-on-the-carpet, eat-the-garbage dog.

And then he gives the animal a stupid fucking name like Vigilance (which isn't even a real name; it's an advertisement!) and tries to sell the dog off because he never gave a shit about him, anyway. It's always been about the money.
The poor thing's probably never had a moment of freedom in his life.


I reached for my money pouch, "Give me the fucking dog."

The Priest and the Wizard

I arrived in the town of Dawnstar just after the sun had set. The town welcomed me more warmly than they'd welcome the average college wizard, which is to say they didn't chase me into the hills.




Passing the barracks, I overheard a conversation. Something about bad dreams. Worse than bad. Nightmares.
The eyes of the soldier were bloodshot and sunken. He looked absolutely miserable.

A group of miners walked by, heading for their homes. They were trading dark humor about the sleep they wouldn't be having that night.

Everyone I passed, everyone in town, looked like they haven't slept in days.

Something unnatural was happening in Dawnstar.

Good In-Game Reads in Tamriel

The Doors of Oblivion - This is the account of Morian Zenas' apprentice, who shared a psychic link with his master and was able to pen the wizard's ill-fated travels to Oblivion. The story, as a whole, has a Lovecraftian edge to it, and if you've already read Morian's On Oblivion then this feels like a behind-the-scenes look at the Daedric realms.

The Daedra themselves are supposed to be Tamriel's version of demons, but the way they present themselves reminds me more of faeries who are really into metal, and their Daedric lords are as dysfunctional and powerful as a Greek pantheon. Stories about them are always interesting.

The Black Arts on Trial - Should Necromancy be taught as a legitimate school of magic? This intellectual debate on the arcane art's most controversial subject might make you think twice about bringing something back from the grave.

Racial Phylogeny - Some pervert muses in an academic manner about all the different fantasy races in Tamriel, and whether or not they're compatible for fucking each other.

The Elder Scrolls is the only series that allows you to walk into a fictional library, pick up a fictional non-fiction book, and read it.

I love that!

Winterhold College

I have arrived!
An entire castle full of magical talent. A lifetime worth of knowledge.

And no, I don't know what that glowing pool is for, but they've got those things all over the place--Even in the living quarters, which doesn't seem very accommodating.

Those magic pools make a lot of noise.
You eventually get used to the sound, though. Like a washing machine.