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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Search Terms That Reach This Blog

I've been at it for a year now (Happy new year!), and I thought I'd share with you the most entertaining aspect of this blog: what people punch into a search engine that leads them here.

  • why so much insest on hbo
  • big throbbing cock
  • monkey give hug
  • 10 year daughter drawing disturbing pictures
  • gimp suit
  • bigfoot masturbating
  • power sluts
  • "his leather pants" (yes, exactly that, in quotes)

The most common search I get, though, scares the shit out of me; because more than Skyrim, more than dickbus, more than any other search term, I get people looking for 3d pedo.

  • 3d pedo
  • pedo 3d
  • pedo
  • pedo box
  • 3dpedo

Somewhere earlier in the year I posted about the 3DS and made the grievous error of putting the words 3d and pedo together, and now pedophiles everywhere are convinced that my blog offers the latest in pedophilia technology.

Years ago, if you had asked me how many pedophiles are living in the entire United States, I would've said maybe a thousand out of three-hundred million or so people. Just the concept is so fucking bizarre that I could not comprehend a large body of adults, a fucking sub-culture, revolving around this shit.

And then I saw To Catch a Predator, and at first I thought they were making it all up. It took a few episodes to clear up my naivety, but when it finally clicked, dear god, there was a parade of dudes marching into that god-damned house. A parade of dudes! People are so fucked up it's unbelievable.

So, there you go.
I tried to post something cute, like how someone typed in 'bigfoot masturbating' and ended up here. And instead I ended up talking about the sexual exploitation of children.

Happy new year, pedophiles!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Just a Quick Tip

Do not put kiwis into a juicer. Somewhere in the middle of the juicing process, they turn into fruity jalapenos. Even the generous helpings of oranges and bananas I threw in couldn't hinder their sinister delivery. Treacherous.

Actually, I take that back. I coughed and felt sick after just a sip, but it still tasted crazy good.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas! Let's Talk About Vampires!

Vampires are great. What other fictitious monster has both poorly planned romance novels and nightmarish horror stories housed under the same name and concept? What other made-up creature has ever played such a strong role in popular culture?

A few years ago I finally saw Fright Night(1985), and right on the spot it became my favorite vampire flick of all time. I mean, holy crap, Marcy Darcy freaked me out. Defend CG all you want, but 80's make-up effects had their own kind of unnerving quality.

But oh my fucking god the Fright Night remake!

New favorite vampire movie. Right there.
Oh yeah.

Remakes are everywhere, and usually I can say with smug confidence that the original film they did in nineteen-eighty-whatever is better, but the new Fright Night is good stuff. Good, good stuff.

Colin Farrell as Jerry the vampire? Sure, whatever, or at least that's where my head was when I started the movie. The guy isn't a bad actor, but despite being in plenty of movies, I can't name one off the top of my head.
But he totally rocks this movie, and I think it's for the same reason that I don't find him that interesting in other roles: he's a very subdued actor. Colin Farrell does not deal in ham. He doesn't jump in front of the camera and shake you out of your seat. That's not his style. So when you give him the role of an otherworldly predator trying to blend into a suburb, he does it extremely well. And you can tell that he had all kinds of fun playing the role of a smug killing machine, which for most actors would mean throwing the, "I'm a super cool vampire!" crap right in your face, but Colin never goes there. Such a good villain.

The same goes for the rest of the cast. David Tennant was pretty-much born to play a burnt-out Vegas showman sitting around shirtless, trying to rearrange his leather pants so his crotch has some room to breathe. Whoever picked out the cast did a very good job.

Favorite scene in the movie: the beer scene.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

I Have a Purse

Years ago, I bought this cooler/icebox/igloo thing. I was living in warmer climates, usually made a lunch for myself, and it was nice having something that would keep it edible until noon. It was a good purchase.

Years went by and I no longer used the cooler as a lunchbox. Instead of a meal I started stuffing other random items into it: chap-stick, an extra shirt, maybe a grocery item or two. It was so god-damned convenient. How could I resist? How could I know?

And now? I take it everywhere. Instead of leaving crap lying around I just haul it all over the place in my cooler. I'm more likely to forget my wallet than I am to forget this little blue guy.

So how about we open it up and take a look inside.
Let's do an inventory of my dark descent:

  • 1 paperback: Christine by Stephen King
  • 1 iPod, with earbud headphones
  • 1 pair of wool gloves
  • 1 expired insurance identification card (I should probably toss that)
  • 1 pair of sunglasses
  • 1 pair of prescription glasses in a Dolce&Gabanna case I randomly kleptoed years ago.
  • 1 Christmas gift, which shall not be named
  • 1 package of expired BJ's coupons
  • 2 tubes of chapstick
  • 1 multi-ink pen
  • 1 sharpie
  • 3 packages of Stevita sweetener
  • 1 notebook
  • 10 or so receipts
  • And a bunch of other crap.

So there you go. All that's missing are the tampons.
I have a plastic purse.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Like it, sounds like weather channel music.
sounds like grocery store music
Sounds like something in a lobby or elevator :D

I would stay in the elevator and listen to this. :3
warning: extreme smoothness approaching!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


This song is straight from the game itself, not a companion soundtrack or anything like that. It's for some kind of red chocobo boss fight, or something. I don't think it could be any sillier.

My relationship with the Final Fantasy games has been strained for years, now, but my love for their music has never swayed, and judging by this song, it never will.

Youtube comments after the jump, because I love them.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I'm Just Outside of Riften,

And I'm about to talk to the guard at the north gate when I hear this roar echo through the mountains. I look up, and way up above the city I see this dragon riding a thermal. Probably fifty feet from head to tail. Breathes fire. Mean as shit. And he's not even hunting. He's just showing off his wingspan and practicing his roar.

He's reminding everyone who really is in control of Skyrim, and it isn't Ulfric or the Empire.

"You bought this game because of meeee...."

So I casually lift up a hand, stretch out my digits, and out comes raw, magical energy like I've got an arcane firehose attached to my palm. You can't stand anywhere near it. You can't even look directly at it. Ask Lydia when she's not walking into trees. That bitch is completely blind.

The dragon flash-fries on the spot. He is dead. Dead, dead, dead. Dead before what's left of him ever hits the ground.


The only part I don't get about Skyrim--What I really don't get--Is why the hell, when I turn back to the guard who witnessed the whole thing, who just saw a dragon pop like a mosquito in a bug zapper, why does he think it's a good idea to go right ahead and attempt to shake me down for a few septims?

And why the fuck, when I tell the cocky bastard to get bent, do I fail my intimidate check? I told the guy, "Don't mess with me." and do you know what he did?

He laughed in my face.

I just stared at him as the ashes of a winged god fell down around us.

And that's the lesson here: crazy always wins, because I was outright terrified of this nutjob. You want a few septims? Sure. Go ahead. Just let me get into your dirty town so I can pawn off my garbage. Lydia, come on. Follow my voice.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Video Game Characters Dancing, And That's It

I've watched this stupid video about ten times, now. There's nothing inherently special about it, but... here we are.

I'm beginning to believe that I'm easily entertained.
Like, jingly keys easily entertained.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Friday, December 9, 2011

Good XBLI Games!

Normally I'd be oozing sarcasm, but not this time!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Cocaine-Powered SUV

From my rear-view mirror I watched as an SUV swerved into my lane, right behind me, and accelerated.

My exit was less than a quarter-mile away. The SUV had about ten feet to go. There was no room for escape. I said, "Oh fuck."

Taking a closer look in my rear-view mirror, the first thing I noticed about the driver was that her eyes were closed and her head lolled back. I continued saying, "Oh fuck." like a mantra.

The rational part of my brain began presenting some very morbid calculations, like the mass of my clunker Nissan Sentra versus the mass of a full-sized SUV, the last time I had my air bag inspected (I believe the owner's manual recommends a check-up every five years), and the average competency of a driver on the freeway when her eyes are closed.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Sexy Future

Remember back in the 80's (if you're an old fart like me) when you wondered what the hell the future was going to be like, and then it happened and it wasn't like anything anyone expected? (Don't kick that poor thing! Are you nuts? Any movie that starts with robot abuse ends with piles of dead bodies!)

Well, guess what? Sexy future is back, and oh my god is it sexy.

You see? This is what we all thought the future would be like. About god-damned time!

Monday, December 5, 2011

DBZ Abridged

There's a warm place in my heart for Dragonball Z. The show had a green guy in a turban, a bald midget, a pig-man, some kind of catfish sensei who lived on a tiny planet at the end of an enormous snake road somewhere in the afterlife, and Bulma.

I'm pretty sure the original storyboard was written in feces by some schizophrenic in a psych ward and then re-interpreted by a team of animators who studied the shit-stains with very serious faces.
At one point in the show some guy casually blows up the Moon. There's no logic here, but so much enthusiasm. It's a beautiful show. Very slow, though.

That's why I love Team Four Star. These dudes have taken the DBZ that I was exposed to at a formative age and condensed it into a smaller, more direct show that's easier to digest, and probably a lot better.

Why? Because they're good people. That's why.

(I'm pretty sure that Team Four Star has better voice actors than the actual show)

Friday, December 2, 2011

I'm Going to Fix Skyrim

The tryst with Morrowind and the honeymoon with Oblivion are over, and now we're left with Skyrim's sagging tits. It's really sad.

I'm hoping Bethesda will get their shit together and attempt a sixth Elder Scrolls game.

And if they do, they should take my advice on a few things.