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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Danny Madison

"My music comes from right there."

I just met him today.
He was, like, "Hey dude. Listen to my music,"

I was working in a grocery store and Danny caught me in the canned vegetables aisle at 11 AM, which is apparently the prime location for peddling CDs.

He approached me with a set of headphones so I could listen to his tunes, and inwardly, I cringed. It wasn't so much because of Danny, but because of where I knew those headphones had been: the heads of grocery store customers.

No. It's worse than you think. I work in a biological red zone. Employees have nick-named the store Ratville, there's a black mold problem in the dairy section and you can smell some of the customers from up to two aisles away. Trust me. Something was on those headphones.

I put them on, of course, but I daintily held them with both hands just above my ears, because I'm a wuss.

The music certainly wasn't the train wreck I expected (some of it was honestly solid work), but it was so far from my preferred genre that I couldn't get interested (and given how often I listen to the same god-damned songs over those tinny, god-damned grocery store speakers, any musical variety should be a relief).

I told Danny as much and gratefully returned the headphones.

"What kind of music do you like?" The musician/salesman asked.

I gave a shit reply, like, "I like lots of music."

I don't even know why amateur salesmen fall back to this question so often. It's not like if I tell Danny, "I like world music" then he's going to say, "Well, you're in luck, because I've got a conga-drum heavy world music album in my back pocket."

So I wasn't going to buy the god-damned CD, but then Danny stumbled upon a very (stupid) effective weakness of mine:

"Well, how about just a donation. You'll be supporting indie musicians."

It's not the indie thing that's a weakness. No way.
It's the donation part. I can't fucking help myself. As long as the donation is something already in my wallet and I'm not going to use those dollar bills in the next ten minutes then I think, "Well, these bills are just taking up space padding my ass cheeks so I might as well put them to use, right?"

It's even worse when it's a cause that I want to donate towards. I paid more for the Humble Indie Bundle than I did for pretty-much every game I bought last year.

So I pull out my wallet and reach for a fiver while Danny is hinting that, "People who donate often like to give ten dollars, or more." and he might as well have been saying, "You're a fucking idiot, so how about you just keep giving me money, okay?"

And now I'm the proud owner of Danny Madison's self-titled album. I just finished it, too. I guess listening to the entire album was supposed to justify my purchase, but now I feel even stupider than before.

The strange thing is: the majority of people who shop at a crap grocery store at 11 AM are seniors, right?

Well, Danny's music is tailored for anyone-but-seniors. Within the first ten seconds of the first track: Let's Get It On, Danny is singing, "I want you to rub me. I want you to fuck me," and the main chorus line is, "Get on that girl, tonight!" What the fuck?

"I can have any girl that I want."

"Play your cards right. I can do it all night."

"I don't want to brag or blow my own horn, or toot my own whistle, but sometimes it just feels like I'm the best."

Danny is fucking bold. I guess that's what you should expect from a dude who hawks his music in the canned vegetable aisle of a grocery store.

Here's a snippet taken from the Q&A on Danny's site. Enjoy it while I go wash my hair for the twelfth time.

Q: So what do u do for a living besides selling CD’s?
A: Nothing.

Q: You mean to say that you don’t have a REAL JOB?!?!?!
A: No. . . I guess you’re right. . .I don’t have a real job.

Q: Why don’t you get one?
A: Oh my f***ing god, why don’t you shove it!?

Q: Ok enough of this crap! . . .would you make love to me?
A: Maybe

Q: Please?
A: We’ll see.

Q: Who’s your favorite rock star?
A: Me


  1. Justin, you're just _enabling_ him...!

    I know you don't have a problem being brutally honest and blunt to someone's face. You should practice doing this to strangers, too. I would expect you to shout a phrase along the lines of "you just raped me in the ear."

  2. Wait, maybe this one is the best post so far. It's a tough choice, but I think this is the one I show people most often if that counts for anything.

    But uh, yeah, you probably just gave the guy more exposure than he's ever had.