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Friday, April 20, 2012

Fishing In Nier

If you've played Nier then the title of this post already caused your eyes to dilate and your sphincter to clench.

You hit a point in the game where you need to get a shaman fish to help ease the pain of your sick daughter, so you go to the docks and this old dude gives you a pole and explains the basics. It all sounds pretty straightforward, and I've been fishing in video games for years, so I'm not that worried. How hard could it be?

Nier isn't, necessarily, a bad game, but the fishing exists on this whole other plane of existence that defies comprehension. It is a shit masterpiece. I'm not going to soil you with details about the tutorial's misinformation, or the absent visual cues, or the Nazi control scheme. Just think of the words: Evil shitty shit shit, while pounding your head into a fucking wall, and you'll have a slightly better experience than I did.

The punchline to this horrible joke is when you discover that the dock where you received your fishing tutorial is the wrong place to fish, and there is a secret beach on the other side of a cave where the shaman fish are hiding.

Hold on. That's not the punchline.
The real punchline is when you visit the coastal town's fish market, and the fishmonger tells you they're out of fish, totally out; and no matter how many days you wait, until that fishing quest is complete, you won't see a single fish at the market, let alone a shaman fish.
I've been playing video games all my life and sometimes I still don't understand them.

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