@LowBitLovecraft     Morgopolis Studios                                                 Good Stuff! About

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Have You Seen 'The Beaver'?

A troubled father finds a beaver puppet in a dumpster and uses it to express his inner self, fix his broken life, and become a better man.
Starring Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster(who also directs), for a film calling itself The Beaver, of all things, this movie takes itself very seriously; which is confusing because from almost every angle the film looks like a satire.

And maybe it is.
Maybe The Beaver is the most straight-faced satire ever created, and even now Jodie and Mel are scratching their heads, wondering why nobody got the joke.

Well, if this is the direction Jodie Foster wants to go, then do I have a movie pitch for her.
Granted, it's a little more serious than The Beaver, and there's a lot more action, but I'm thinking she'll appreciate the human drama at the core of this story.

I call it ABDUCKTED.

Harry Pennus had everything a man could want in life.
A beautiful wife. An adorable child. A nice suit.

"We're going to the park," Says Harry's wife, "Want to come?"

"Sorry," Says Harry, "But I've got a company to run. Go on and have fun without me."

Harry's beautiful wife and adorable child go to the park.
They have a picnic.
They eat sandwiches.
They giggle.

But something doesn't feel right.

"There sure are a lot of ducks..."

"Quack! Quack! Quack!"

"Oh no!"

"Please don't shoot!"

"Quack! Quack! Quack!"

"Where are you taking us? What's going on?"

"Quack! Quack! Quack!"

The wife and child are forced into the back of the van.

The vehicle peels out of the parking lot.

Back in his office and busy with a client, Harry gets a call.

It's a call that no man ever wants to get.

"One second, sir." Harry picks up his phone, "Hello?"

"Quack! Quack! Quack!"

"Oh, God no!"

"How do I know they're all right?"

"How do I know you haven't already killed them?"

"Quack! Quack! Quack!"

"Okay! Okay!"

"I've got the money! I'll be at the drop in ten minutes."

"I just need to know that my wife and child are all right."


"Daddy, I'm scared."

"Leave her alone, you fuckers!"

Filled with righteous fury, Harry forgets the ransom drop and instead locates the kidnappers' hide-out.

He descends upon them like Batman.

In one hand he holds a gun. In the other, a large mirror.

Harry places the mirror right in front of the ducks.

Lacking the cognitive ability to self-conceptualize, the kidnappers assume that a second gang of armed ducks has approached them.

Harry takes advantage of the confusion and opens fire.

He shows no mercy.

The Pennus family is soon reunited.

They all have a big group hug in front of a burning skyscraper as two-dozen police cruisers, fire trucks, and ambulances arrive on the scene.

And the camera zooms out really slowly while Jingle Bells plays, like in Die Hard.

Next time you get involved with a movie, call me first.


  1. It sounds like "The Beaver" has the same plot as that old sitcom "Unhappily Ever After", no?

    But yeah, movies are more frequently resting on that fine line between awesome and retarded in a way similar to the so-called "uncanny valley". I don't have a good name for this concept except to call them "fence sitters"... It's hard to tell whether these movies are supposed to be funny or not, except now more people can see it, not just me. The best example I can think of is Ghost Rider (http://youtu.be/O6o9Or21zQA).

    But after watching that entire trailer (ugh), I'm pretty sure "The Beaver" is actually supposed to be a serious exploration of mid-life insanity. You know, the sort of thing they'd have on the Lifetime channel. I think it's supposed to make you feel more compassion for crazy people. Hey... Maybe, then, it's supposed to make you feel more compassion for, well, Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster. Oh, such a tearful message! Thanks for sharing it with the world! I'll be sure to fork over my 11 dollars and, oh yes, accidentally forget all about my Mel Gibson boycott...

  2. Now that I think of it, if I saw a trailer for Abduckted, I might just have to see it, at the least just to find out if it was "for real". The best part would be if Mel Gibson was in it while simultaneously there was no explanation whatsoever for the ducks. (That's why Ghost Rider is funny: because "wait, it has Nick Cage in it?") By this I mean that the trailers and ads would have to act like there's nothing funny about it at all. If they give away the punchline, then well, my reason for interest would be lost, eh? (Just like any other movie.)

    So making a movie retarded could actually draw MORE people/profit to the theatre if done... properly. Good call. (And "nice" turbo 'shopping, btw.)

  3. Would you hold it against me if I made a game called Abduckted?

  4. As long as there are ducks in the game then I'll be an encouraging force behind this project.