Have You Seen 'The Beaver'?

A troubled father finds a beaver puppet in a dumpster and uses it to express his inner self, fix his broken life, and become a better man.
Starring Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster(who also directs), for a film calling itself The Beaver, of all things, this movie takes itself very seriously; which is confusing because from almost every angle the film looks like a satire.

And maybe it is.
Maybe The Beaver is the most straight-faced satire ever created, and even now Jodie and Mel are scratching their heads, wondering why nobody got the joke.


Well, if this is the direction Jodie Foster wants to go, then do I have a movie pitch for her.
Granted, it's a little more serious than The Beaver, and there's a lot more action, but I'm thinking she'll appreciate the human drama at the core of this story.

I call it ABDUCKTED.

Harry Pennus had everything a man could want in life.

A beautiful wife. An adorable child. A nice suit.

"We're going to the park," Says Harry's wife, "Want to come?"

"Sorry," Says Harry, "But I've got a company to run. Go on and have fun without me."

Harry's beautiful wife and adorable child go to the park.

They have a picnic.

They eat sandwiches.

They giggle.

But something doesn't feel right.

"There sure are a lot of ducks..."

"Quack! Quack! Quack!"

"Oh no!"

"Please don't shoot!"

"Quack! Quack! Quack!"

"Where are you taking us? What's going on?"

"Quack! Quack! Quack!"

The wife and child are forced into the back of the van.

The vehicle peels out of the parking lot.

Back in his office and busy with a client, Harry gets a call.

It's a call that no man ever wants to get.

"One second, sir." Harry picks up his phone, "Hello?"

"Quack! Quack! Quack!"

"Oh, God no!"

"How do I know they're all right?"

"How do I know you haven't already killed them?"

"Quack! Quack! Quack!"

"Okay! Okay!"

"I've got the money! I'll be at the drop in ten minutes."

"I just need to know that my wife and child are all right."

"Daddy?"

"Daddy, I'm scared."

"Leave her alone, you fuckers!"

Filled with righteous fury, Harry forgets the ransom drop and instead locates the kidnappers' hide-out.

He descends upon them like Batman.

In one hand he holds a gun. In the other, a large mirror.

Harry places the mirror right in front of the ducks.

Lacking the cognitive ability to self-conceptualize, the kidnappers assume that a second gang of armed ducks has approached them.

Harry takes advantage of the confusion and opens fire.

He shows no mercy.

The Pennus family is soon reunited.

They all have a big group hug in front of a burning skyscraper as two-dozen police cruisers, fire trucks, and ambulances arrive on the scene.

And the camera zooms out really slowly while Jingle Bells plays, like in Die Hard.

Jodie.

Next time you get involved with a movie, call me first.