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Saturday, July 23, 2011

Tactical Spider Issue

Take a close look at this disturbingly accurate picture I made of me in my car.

Yes, that's a spider. It's living inside of my car. Specifically, it's living inside of the rear-view mirror, right behind the mirror itself.

The spider has been living behind my rear-view mirror for almost a month, now. The first time I saw the web I just knocked it off, but come the next morning I found a brand new web.

Impressed by the industrial spirit of the little guy, I left the web alone.

I wish I hadn't.

Despite having this guy living in my car for almost a month I only got to see it a few days ago. The hour was painfully early, the sky was still dark, and I was shuffling off to my car begin my commute when I spotted this thing hanging from the web like some horrible parody of a ripe fruit.

It was fucking huge.

God only knows what it was thinking. I tried to act casual but the very second I touched the car door this enormous spider just disappeared, climbing back behind the rear-view mirror so fast I honestly never saw it leave.

On my drive to work I did not roll down the driver's side window, and I did the same on the way back.

In my mind's eye I could see that, right when I rolled down the window, this monster spider would climb out from behind the mirror, get caught in a wind-stream and fly directly onto my face. Sure, this scenario probably wouldn't happen, but the possibility that it could happen scares me more than the guaranteed burning-alive-in-a-fiery-wreck scenario that would immediately follow. Because the idea of driving competently with a spider on my face makes about as much sense as me running down the street after both of my legs have been hacked off.

I might have slight arachnophobia.

Anyways, there's a slight problem with my car: the AC doesn't work; or at least it only works for a few seconds until the car dies, so air conditioning isn't really an option.

Without AC, I rely on the natural breeze that comes from cruising at seventy miles per hour. Of course, you can only get this breeze when your window is down, and right now that really isn't an option.

This is what my car looks like at around 3:00 in the afternoon.

So for about a week now I've been driving in 100+ degree super-muggy weather for over an hour each day, and while I've got a pretty solid tolerance when it comes to heat I'm beginning to wonder if driving around in an oven every day is leading me towards some mild brain damage.

Yes. This spider is killing me. I'm pretty sure that was its plan all along.

And now the creature has forced my hand. I've got to poison the fucker.
There's just one problem: It's behind that god-damned mirror and it never comes out. How am I supposed to kill you if I can't even properly spray you with chemicals?

And what if you're not even there? What if you've moved on to inside the car?

And maybe you've gotten so big because you're pregnant with a million little baby monsters, so the second I turn on my car in the morning you're all going to shoot out of the air vents and eat me alive, like in that X-Files episode where the little green bugs ate all those loggers.

"Oh shit, they're coming out of the vents!"

"Oh shit, they're eating my face!"

In most of life's instances I am a capable, functioning adult.

But in this one I'm a fucking retard.


  1. Oh wow, yeah I hate spiders. I'd recommend going to a gas station where there's the air/water station, and using the waterpik to spray behind the mirror. Water should definitely be enough to coax that guy out.

    Make sure you have good shoes on so you can wipe the miserable creature out of it's existence with a quick stomp.

  2. Pressure hose!
    Omigod that's a great idea!

  3. Would a snake be better or worse?

  4. Better. So much better.

    That snake is surreal. If I were the driver I would have first guessed it was a hallucination.