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Saturday, September 17, 2011

I'm Going to Fix Zelda

(If you're going to read this then you might as well listen to some Zelda music)

Let's pretend that the guys at Nintendo aren't half as qualified as myself when it comes to making Zelda games.
Let's also pretend that Zelda is in some kind of rut and it's last release only sold a few dozen copies.

Now that we've properly deluded ourselves, I'm going to fix the entire Zelda franchise in three steps.

STEP 1: Return to the Wind Waker art style

Aw crap. I looked at this pic for too long. Outset Island is calling. Where's my Gamecube?

This is a no-brainer. Zelda never looked better than when it sported that simple, cel-shaded style.

STEP 2: Make Zelda the main character

These chicks can totally rock the Kokiri style.
So why not Zelda?

Fuck Link. Give Zelda the goofy green outfit and a sword and let her save Hyrule.
The gameplay and the story wouldn't really change all that much, but people would pay attention (and, for once, The Legend of Zelda actually be a legend of Zelda).

STEP 3: Totally new items

No more boomerang. No more bombs. No more bomb-chus.
Toss everything out the window but the sword and shield, and do a complete inventory overhaul. The only items that would make a return would be the ones that have been totally neglected, like the bait and the stepladder.

I want to feed some elephant-sized monster, make it my buddy, and then ride it as we go on a rampage all over Hyrule.
Goodbye, Epona.

Can you imagine the stepladder brought back into a 3D Hyrule?
Neither can I, but it would be awesome.

1 comment:

  1. But the problem is that when they do something retarded like make Link turn into a werewolf or a train engineer, everybody will still buy the game without a thought, natch. It'll take a few more violations before "Zelda is Retarded Now" becomes common knowledge, and even still it'll be pretty decent as long as Shiggy's still alive. Nah, your best bet is just to Make It Yourself...