Hobbit Feet

It's really starting to bother me that I've gone all this time without talking about my feet. People even ask me that, sometimes. They're like:

"Justin, what gives? You've got this blog and you talk about all this crap I don't care about when what I really want to know is what's up with your feet."

I guess it's time to clear the air.

I have hobbit feet.




Yes, they're hairy; but no, I probably wouldn't fit in with the residents of the Shire, or at least not in the more respected social circles of hobbit-kind.

The reason I bring this up is because my hairy, hobbit feet have left me in a strange, uh,  paradoxical situation. You would think that hair equals warmth, right? Well, it doesn't, or at least it doesn't with feet.

It's not like the hair grows between the toes or on the bottom of my feet or anything like that. It's just on the top, like a little welcome mat for my ankles, one that doesn't even remotely help in conserving heat.

And they're crazy sensitive, too. Like hundreds of little antennae; an entire ant colony, if you will (and you probably won't). But if I took off my socks right now I could easily tell you what the weather will be like for the next month or so.

The problem is that if I wear those very socks for too long the super-sensitive hair gets irritated. I can last a day, but socks at night? My suffering would be ten-fold in the morning and carry on throughout the day.

So, no. No socks. Even really nice socks (which by my standards is anything rated above tube socks) won't do the trick.

(Oh dude. I heard this buzz noise and was like, "Is that my phone?" Which I left on the desk. But it wasn't the phone, so I keep on typing. And then this enormous beetle flies directly onto the monitor, like he was just dropping in to say hi and check out what I was writing. Enormous beetle is sleeping outside tonight. Just thought I'd let you know about this since if you've actually read this far into a post about my feet then a bug on my monitor is probably, like, fireworks and a parade).

Anyways, I'm a bit of an insomniac so on work nights I only get an average of three to four hours of rest, and when your sleep hours are that low every minute becomes important. I need a solution to my problem; one beyond the obvious wait for Spring.

Ever heard of heated water bottles? I hadn't until recently, but you buy these ridiculously expensive bottles (like, more-than-ten-bucks-for-a-piece-of-rubber expensive), fill them up with hot water and just keep it near your feet. Brilliant, right? I'm definitely psyched about this product. No more cold feet! Ever had mild frostbite on your feet? I have, and I don't recommend it.


So I buy one of these guys, fill it up two-thirds of the way with luke-warm water, screw on the cap and five seconds later it's leaking.

No! I am NOT shaving my god-damned feet!

Next post: Dreams that I kind of remember, but not really.