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Thursday, February 3, 2011

Pop Quiz, Hot-Shot,

Your hit movie just released. $100 million in the box office. Ready for a sequel. Keanu won't sign on.

What do you do?

What do you do?

Speed 2 was a historical moment in bad movies.


That's all I have to say about that movie.

Now let's move on to one of the most intense action films ever made. Speed!!!!

You need the full effect here, so close your eyes--wait, don't close your eyes. Reading doesn't work that way.

Just picture yourself in a movie theater. The year is 1994.
(Quick! Put this on!)

The movie starts...
We're panning through the bowels of some high rise...

Hey, look! It's Easy Rider!

Jesus Christ!

I enjoyed Dennis Hopper in this movie more than any other movie that guy did. He sells the role of a psycho who wants to get even (and have a lot of fun, too). His laughs are great. It's totally clear that he's having the best time of his life.

Somebody has to stop this scumbag, right? Who better than Keanu Reeves? The only actor intense enough to star in Speed.

I'm not sure why this guy gets so much shit. He's a good actor. Really!!! Goddammit!!!!

Look at it this way: We already got to see the alternative Keanu. It was Jason Patric in Speed 2 who played exactly the role that Keanu was supposed to play, and if you saw Speed 2 like I did then I'm sure all you could think was, "Where's Keanu? This guy isn't as good as Keanu! No! Why am I watching Speed 2?!?! God help me, why?!"

Maybe Keanu isn't suitable for anything with a British accent, but he's perfect for a movie with an exploding bus.

The premise behind Speed is probably my favorite part of the movie. It's just so easy to explain. "There's a bomb on a bus. If the bus goes over 50, the bomb is armed. If it goes under 50, the bomb explodes." Genius! And it's fun to explain, too.

Uh oh.

Did you see Moon? Pretty wild, right? Just one problem: it's impossible to tell anyone how cool it was because the plot is impossible to explain.

Speed doesn't have that problem. Bomb on a bus. Simple as that. Strap me in and hit play.

Not many people know this but the city of Los Angeles uses cork-board and fairy dust to build most of their buses.

Ultimately, Sandra Bullock (perfect partnership with Keanu, at least in this movie) drives the bus onto an airfield and after the passengers are moved to safety, they drive the bus into a plane loaded with nitro glycerin.
Everybody is happy (except for Dennis Hopper), and the audience can finally relax.

                        Or can they?

No! Sandra, run! Dennis Hopper is going to put you in the Super Mario Bros Movie! Run for your life!

Audience, you can't relax. Neither can you, Keanu. Get on the subway all Beauty and the Beast style and kick Hopper's ass.

And here's the best scene in the movie. It's the penultimate moment when the bad-guy has the upper hand, and he's gloating because he knows he's going to win.

Dennis Hopper: "I'm smarter than you, Jack. I'm smarter than you."

Jesus Christ!

Keanu Reeves: "Yeah, well I'm taller."

Dude. The audience cracked up at that line. Ever since watching that movie I've wished that I could get into a fight with a mad bomber on top of a subway train so he could be all like (because we're arch-enemies at this point), "I'm smarter than you, Justin. I'm smarter than you."

And then his fucking head gets ripped off and I'd just stare, wide-eyed for about thirty seconds before scrambling off the top of the subway because it's really dangerous up there.

And once I was safe, I'd remember that line from Speed and I'd be so pissed off for not delivering it to a headless corpse.

By the way. Sandra? I thought you were awesome in this movie but you lose serious points for doing that sequel and you know it. Even the guy dumb enough to star in Johnny Mnemonic knew that doing a sequel on a boat was a bad, bad idea.

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