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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Rose and the Doctor

I finally got around to seeing the first episode of Doctor Who (the 2005 reboot), and if you've never heard of Doctor Who, just know that it's the penultimate sci-fi series of Britain, it's been around longer than you've been alive, and its popularity has grown in the states over the past few years.

So here I am, watching for the first time one of the world's most famous fictional philanthropist.

The music is amazing. The plot is fun. The dialogue is incredibly sharp. The special effects are... uh... cost efficient.

And the Doctor is a total asshole.

The show begins with Rose, our twenty-something heroine with a steady job and a steady boyfriend who stumbles upon an army of killer mannequins in the basement of the department store she works in.

Yes, killer take-no-prisoners mannequins brought to life by a sinister, sentient glob of, uh, evil plastic from beyond the stars.

This show is insane!

So just before the lead mannequin can (I'm not kidding) karate chop Rose, she's saved by a mysterious man.

He's an alien, or at least he claims to be. I'm guessing this whole "I'm a good-guy alien from another world" thing is just some kind of technique he uses to impress the chicks because he looks and sounds more British than a mouthful of cavities.

And the son of a bitch is so arrogant he doesn't even go by a proper name. He just calls himself the Doctor.

Who the hell does that? Prince? P Diddy? I think the Doctor just likes hearing people stumble over themselves as they try to find something to call him. What a prick.

Fuck that. You're Doctor Bob from now on. Stupid name? Good, 'cause you're an idiot.

And I mean that. This guy is an idiot. In the course of a single episode Doctor Bob almost lets the human race get taken over by evil plastic when, if he'd wanted to, he could have saved the Earth with almost no effort at all. Just a, "Bam. You're dead." and the Earth is saved.

But instead of killing the evil space plastic right away our eccentric Doctor Bob attempts to mediate a peaceful solution.

"They want to overthrow the human race. Destroy you."

These are his words when he was explaining to Rose just what the evil alien intended. He knew exactly what the bastard was planning to do and he still walked up to the blob like negotiation was an option.

And at this point of the show I'm positive Doctor Bob is an alien, because if this were his planet being invaded he wouldn't be having tea with the Colour Out of Space. He'd be dropping sci-fi super anti-matter bombs on this asshole until all that was left would be half a dozen neutrons. Hasn't this guy ever read Old Man's War? You don't give aliens hand-jobs. You rip their dicks off.

But the longer I watched Doctor Bob, the more I began to realize his true motivation. Here, look at him.

See it? See that crazy smile plastered across his face after he cheated death?

This guy isn't throwing himself into danger for the sake of the humans. Hell no. He's doing it for the high.

He's an adrenaline junkie. That's why he puts himself in these situations. The altruism is just an excuse, one that he probably believes himself.

What an asshole.

And Rose is a bitch, too.

Listen to this:
After the blob is defeated and the day is saved, Rose calls up her mum to check and see if she's okay.

Her mother is terrified and talking as fast as possible. Rose listens to about three words from her frantic mother and then she just hangs up, never saying a single word to the poor woman who gave birth to her. Rose's mother is left holding a silent phone, wondering if her daughter is okay or if she's being raped by mannequins.

I honestly can't tell if Rose was worried about her mother if she was just fucking with her.

"Oh God! What's happening to my daughter?! Somebody please answer me!"

And did I mention that Rose has a boyfriend?

This is Mickey. Mickey is a god-damned rock. You know why he's in that car, giving that cold, cool stare? Because he's looking after his girl. He's watching out for Rose, because that's the kind of guy Mickey is.

But Mickey gets captured by the evil blob and replaced by a plastic version of himself. Rose, of course, can't tell the difference because that's how little she gives a shit about our Mickey.

Attention Rose: NOT your boyfriend.
What's happening to Mickey while Rose goes on a date with his doppelganger? I think it's best if we never find out because when we next see Mickey he's a broken shell of what he used to be. Being kidnapped by aliens who can assume any form of plastic they choose will do that to you.

"Rose, I'm scared. I'm so scared."

But all this shit, everything that's just happened, is nothing compared to how utterly sociopathic our heroes act at the end of this episode when Doctor Bob propositions to Rose (right in front of her traumatized boyfriend) with the offer to join him on wacky space adventures in his TARDIS, a ship that can go anywhere in the universe.

Clearly, this is the offer of a lifetime. Rose knows this, and she has to ask herself, "Do I look after my loving boyfriend who has never needed me more, or do I abandon all my responsibilities and go on adventures? Do I live for something meaningful, or do I live for the moment?"

I'm sure you guessed by now that Rose ditches her broken Mickey in an alley and hitches a ride with the guy with the car.

"Fuck off, loser."

And her parting words are so wrong.

Rose turns to her terrified boyfriend, "Thanks."
"For what?" Mickey asks, confused.
"Exactly." Says Rose.

Wow. I'm sure those words'll echo through Mickey's mind for the rest of his empty, lonely life. If he had any chance of pulling himself together after what happened to him then those chances were blown away the moment Rose opened her serpent mouth. Honestly, Rose. You could've spit on his face and told him how small his cock was and you'd still be miles (kilometers) kinder than what you chose to say.

And then the music swells and Rose runs off with Doctor Bob and we're supposed to think how wonderful this all is and what awesome adventures await, but it's all soured by the fact that these two guys are complete and total assholes.

The next episode better be all about Mickey.

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